These are my thoughts as I watched the Spartacus series finale.
(if it says (AA - ), then those are the thoughts I added afterwards)
It started. Oh God. I’m okay. I’m okay.
I’m not okay. It’s gonna be a bloodbath.
Goodbye friends. Goodbye.
Gannicus is on my screen right now. History says he gets crucified so I’m not okay (I promise).
Oh no. Agron can’t hold a sword anymore cause of the nails that went through his hands/wrists. Poor baby. His little face. Maybe he shouldn’t have BITCHED OUT WITH A “I CAN’T FAR SOOOOO BYE BOO” to Nasir. Ahem.
Not invested in Sybil’s character, but she has some nice boobs. I am jealous and turned on. But why did it go from the emotional Nagron moment of Nasir being able to make his boo able to still fight, to Gannicus banging Replacement!Melitta? I just don’t really get that choice.
(AA - We could have gotten an awkward how do you handjob when you can’t really use your hands scene from Agron and Nasir, but I guess that’s why fanfic exists)
How the hell did Crassus not see that Tiberius turned into a monster? His personality even with his dad showed him to be vastly different, and not in a good way, from before he had to kill his bestie.
Oh Kore. Sweetie. Kore. I want to hug her.
Laeta is so pretty. But I still miss Mira. NEVER FORGET.
GODDAMMIT AGRON. GODDAMMIT. FUCK OFF. JUST GO TO THE MOUNTAINS WITH NASIR. DAMN YOU. FUCK.
Oh my God. Spartacus flat out said “you are the last brother I have left.” Just leave me to die on this couch.
Saxa and her lady friend. I wish that we had seen more of that. For reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Saxa and Gannicus, but you know, lady gays.
Castus is so fucking hot. I want to know everything about him. But since this is the last episode, that shall not come to pass.
Aw, Replacement!Melitta and Laeta going off being like ‘yeah, our dudes aren’t coming back.’ That got to me.
NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT IS HAPPENING. NO SPARTACUS NO. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. DO NOT MEET WITH HIM. OH NAEVIA, SWEETIE, NAEVIA. I GET WHY SHE’S THERE BUT SHE IS MAKING ME SAD BECAUSE CRASSUS IS WHY CRIXUS IS DEAD. NO. SPARTACUS DO NOT. DO NOT BE A DUMBASS.
I love Agron hovering in the back being like “WTF bro? Seriously? Are you sure? Dude. Dudeeeeee.”
OMG NO SPARTACUS. NO. YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THE WOMAN. NO. GOD DAMMIT. GOD. DAMMIT. KORE NEEDS TO RUN. RUN BABY RUN.
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE KORE. SAVE KORE. SAVE KOREEEEEE.
Caesar, please don’t fold. Kore, sweetie, I love you. You are pretty and good and Kore. KOREEEEE. Caesar’s “OH SHIT” face was pretty great there. OMG CAESAR (sorry about your fate bro).
Oh shit. Crassus just broke Tiberius’ death mask. What is happening. I’m still scared for her. Kore, sweetie, he is your master, he can’t love you like he says he does. If he did, he’d free you.
There’s 30 minutes left and no one’s died? I do not, DO NOT I SAY, want to have the last 30 minutes just be death everywhere. Please spread it out please.
(AA - They did not spread it out. Dicks.)
Spartacus is asking Gannicus to do what? The impossible? What does that mean? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
I can’t handle this. He is speechifying and I can’t handle this.
I am crying and shaking yet really turned on right now? How do you show feelings?
I may or may not have actually started yelling NO NO NOOOOOO at my TV. Hint: I did. I Darth Vader’d it all up on this couch.
Holy shit, that was not something I expected.
Archers are making me miss Mira. Again. NEVER FORGET.
Shit son. They are some crafty motherfuckers.
I like Caesar being like “but our fucking men?” Oh Caesar.
NO LUGO. NOOOOO.
Oh God. Saxa. I’m not prepared to lose her. I’m not prepared.
My heart is like pounding right now. This week was not a good week to try my hand at sobriety.
NO OMG CATUS NO. NOOOO.
Agron looks sad. Nasir looks pissed. I look like a snotty marshmallow in a snuggie.
No. Caesar and Gannicus fighting. Only one of them survives this episode. And it’s not Gannicus.
Oh, no you did not just cut Saxa. Look at that fierce warrior queen. She gets slashed and turns around and kills that fucker with her dagger. Not even a big ass sword, but a damn dagger.
OH MY GOD. NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY. WHY.
Another lady dies in Gannicus’ arms. He seriously has the worst fucking luck.
(AA - Sybil was lucky she survived. But also, how is it far that she is the one to survive Ancient!Sam Winchester and his cock of death? Melitta, that one feisty prostitute, MOTHERFUCKING SAXA. Not buying it.)
NAEVIA. NO. THIS IS NOT FAIR. THIS ISN’T FAIR.
CAESAR, I HATE YOU NOW. FUCK YOU. I WELCOME BRUTUS.
Oh I can’t. I quit. I quit. I quit.
Oh no, these flashbacks. Mira (NEVER FORGET). You did not bring up Varro again. You did not show Varro’s body hitting the floor, Show.
Oh my God. Spartacus. Oh my God. This isn’t fair. Oh my God.
His Sura ribbon.
Agron. Baby. Nasir. Baby. Babies. I don’t know what my emotions are doing.
Oh Gannicus. Baby. He wasn’t even killed in battle. Which I knew. But still. This hurts. Really badly.
Fuck off Caesar. Fuck. Off. Have fun on March 15th! I heard it’s gonna be a real killer.
OMG KORE. OMG KORE.
Crassus. You are a fucking monster. You were right when you said that your son was a reflection of you.
(AA - He is just as bad. He finds out Tiberius raped and mentally tortured Kore, so he tells her that everything will be okay. And then he puts her on a fucking cross. Her only real fucking crime was loving her master and just fuck Crassus. Have fun getting gold poured down your throat.)
Fuck you Crassus. You don’t even get the fucking win. Suck everyone’s dick.
Oh Gannicus got to see his bro as a vision before he died. Oh, this isn’t fair. This hurts.
Oh my God. What the fuck. But Laeta. Agron. Nasir. Even Sybil. EVEN SYBIL.
Spartacus can’t leave. He’s way too injured. Oh no. This wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Oh Agron. Your face. Your faceeeee.
These credits. These credits are not fair.
I love what they did for Andy. I really do.
In conclusion, I loved this show. I love this show and everything it gave us viewers. It was actually fantastically acted and even though some things were problematic in the storytelling (this season especially), it was damn good most of the time. I will seriously miss all of this.
And just because, here is my face right after the last credits ended.
I was not exaggerating about being a snotty marshmallow in a snuggie. I spent about 30 full minutes hysterically sobbing. I’m talking tears falling, snot, body shaking, scaring my dogs with my dying raptor noises - the whole works.